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FEAR DANCING OR FAITH WALKING “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” –1 John 4:18 In Gary Smalley’s latest book, The DNA of Relationships he talks about an important truth: We all have core fears, and we naturally react to someone challenging our core fears in unhealthy ways. Often the surface issue is not the issue at all. Picture an iceberg drifting in the ocean. You might look at the large mass above the surface as it appears to be moved by the wind, but it is really being moved the under currents of the sea, the part that is not seen. In the same way, what we see in relationships is often not what is really moving us, but rather it is the underlying currents, the core fears that cause us to react, and to move in ways that we feel will protect us, but in the end we just keep experiencing more hurt and damage to our relationships. Some common core fears include: Fear of...
It’s important to understand our core fears, and to recognize how we tend to react when that core fear button is pushed. It may be anger, contempt, indifference or just plain silence. In any case, it won’t be healthy communication. Yet we know the antidote: “…Perfect (mature) love drives out fear…” The challenge then is to respond in love. What is love? It’s sacrificing for the needs of another. So when I feel my core fear being challenged in that very moment I want to switch the focus from myself to the needs of the other person. If they said something real nasty or hurtful to me there must have been some reason for them to say that, some unmet need on their part. Remember, behind every fault is an unmet need. That’s what I want to focus on in the heat of the moment. If I can focus on the unmet need of the other person I won’t feel the hurt or pain that my core fear is trying to protect me from. I’m actually free to minister to the needs of the one who hurt me. That’s love! Fear is the power of Satan as faith is the power of God. If we continue to dance around each other because we’re afraid of getting our core fear button pushed we perpetuate a ritual that keeps us from relationship. But if we can respond in faith with love, then we can put a stop to these endless rituals that never go away, and begin to build a healthy relationship free from fear and full of faith. Why punish ourselves? Fear has to do with punishment. Faith has to do with grace. Let’s choose to not react out of our core fears, but rather respond in faith with grace to seek understanding and build intimacy, and oneness. That’s love. No more fear dancing; from now on let it be faith walking! Question for The Both of Us: Looking at the list above, what do I think may be some of my core fears? How do I normally react when my core fear button is pushed? What do I believe may be some of your core fears? How do I see you reacting when your core fear button is pushed? Do we have other core fears that may not be listed above? Prayer for the Both of us: Lord, help us to increase our faith that we may grow in a mature love that will drive out fear and enable us to build a healthy loving relationship. Grant us wisdom and humility to identify our core fears and in so doing be free from their power over us. |
© 2007 Marriage & Family Savers Ministries